Epic Fail!
The other day. On my part.
So, I was at a downtown Toronto street corner on Sunday – early evening? – waiting for the streetcar. Church & Queen. Not a super-nice area. Very near St. Michael's Hospital. (One of those intersections in the city I don't mind being at during the day, but choose to avoid at night.)
About halfway through a long transit ride home after visiting a friend out in the west end, & having had that long transit ride out there earlier in the day.
I'd gotten myself into a tizzy in the morning, doing that thing I know better than to do – namely, going on the internet in the morning. I now mostly avoid doing this, in order to give myself several hours of relative peace before diving into the world's madness. I wrote about that here: The Sanity Project - 3 weeks in!
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So. Tizzied, I bailed from my laptop on Sunday morning & went for a walk. Walks always sort me out.
Returned home & whipped up a batch of brownies (a new recipe), something I kinda knew I didn't really have enough time for. Silly me.
Anyway. By the time I was standing there at Church & Queen in the early evening – with several other human beings – I was kinda worn out. Long transit rides in Toronto will do that to a person.
Suddenly I hear (then see) a person across the street howling – presumably in pain. She or he (I honestly couldn't tell which) would howl a bit, then walk a step or three, using a cane. Then howl again. & so on.
A clear impulse came to me to cross the street & ask if there was something I could do to help.
But.
I didn't.
I looked at this guy who was standing near me & thought "Why not say to him 'Do you think we should go over & offer this person some help?'" (He looked sort of approachable. And was clearly also taking in what was going on.)
But. I didn't.
& our streetcar came along.
& we all got on.
& that was that.
Not for the person who was left there in pain, obviously.
I did not feel good about myself. (I still don't.)
Now, don't misunderstand me.
In this (or any) city, one routinely runs across people who are somehow "off."
Maybe angry. Shouting & carrying on.
Maybe visibly "crazy," or just extremely weird in appearance or demeanour.
Maybe on drugs.
One does not engage with such people. One keeps one’s distance. Gets off the subway car, if need be. For one's own safety.
But this was not that.
This was a person clearly in pain we were all ignoring.
Avoiding.
Inevitably the thought eventually came to me
That could've been me.
Alone. In pain.
Being ignored. Avoided.
Well.
The next morning I got myself tizzied again, this time about how I'd behaved the day before. (Yes, too many tizzies lately. I know!)
Feeling ashamed of myself.
I'd also committed sort of a social gaffe – a lapse in good manners – at my friend's place as I was leaving.
Geez.
I'm not sure now at what point the thought came to me that I have this awesome friend – a fellow Torontonian – who would not have hesitated for a moment to cross the street & offer to help the suffering fellow human. I feel pretty sure about this.
Kind & generous almost to a fault, this woman. This very dear, very long-time friend of mine.
Okay.
So.
Let's face it. We're all kinda stressed out lately.
I myself had been running myself ragged for 5 or 6 days at that point. Extraordinarily overly busy.
& the world – OMG the world!?
It's been making us all (well a lot of us, anyway) pretty crazy in recent days. Especially very recent days. Since Charlie Kirk was killed.
Right?
I still feel this was an epic fail on my part.
& am vowing to #DoBetter in future.
Never mind making excuses for myself for not behaving like a decent human being. (I like to think of myself as a good person, generally.)
It's important not to mistake excuses for reasons. If you see my meaning. There is a distinction.
Resurrection?
After my early morning tizzy on Monday – the day after the epic fail – I took another trip on the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission).
During which a woman sitting across the aisle on the streetcar asked me for directions to this particular intersection way-way-way west & way-way-way north in the city – an area I don't know at all.
A woman sitting across from me in the 4-seat section I was in also weighed in, used her phone to plot a sensible route, & she & I had a few laughs about using the subway system in New York City. Which we have both done, & have our stories about! & then a guy sitting in front of us weighed in too.
This lovely encounter of four strangers – with one asking for help & three others batting it around & trying to figure out the most sensible route. (There are always 3 or 4 ways to get to just about any place in Toronto.) It was just very nice.
It felt like a resurrection, almost.
Chivalry is not dead!
We can still be human & helpful & friendly & not let all the stresses & strains (& outright ever-ramping insanity) of city life in these times render us less than human.
As Orwell said,
Janet, in Toronto
p.s. that lapse in manners at my friend's place that I mentioned? I got that cleaned up by apologizing. That was easily enough done.
p.p.s. & then I ran across this on Facebook. Such good advice in this post-Charlie-Kirk-murder world.
Onward!
#DoBetter