Grief

... a few thoughts

My sister died several days ago (as I draft this; it may take me a while to post it).

So ... I've been rassling with grief.

Grief, you might say, is having its way with me.

Having experienced death (& other kinds of losses) a number of times in my life, that's a lesson I feel I've learned.

Grief will have its way with me.

I don't get to have my way with it.

Grief is ... messy!

An unpredictable roller coaster of emotions.

Even physical sensations!

At times I feel dizzy.

Shake-y.

Sometimes ... antsy.

(also, physically exhausted. I forgot to mention that when I first posted this.)

Plenty of different emotions cycling through.

Sadness, of course.

Even some flashes of anger the other night!

Unpredictable.

Messy!

As this clever graphic points out:

Being from a "dysfunctional family" (is there any other kind??) - with a sometimes rather difficult childhood - & a couple of divorces thrown into the mix (with their own messy attendant emotions &, frankly, never-ending fallout)

& having - like so many families in recent years - experienced some, shall we say, family "turbulence" over the Covid scene (you know - disagreements about masking - lockdowns - vaccines - all that stuff), some odds & ends of additional emotional complexity are layered into the current scene.

Anyway...

I am just "allowing" it all.

Letting grief do its thing.

Have its way.

For one thing, I'm letting it slow me right down.

This is not a time for rushing around.

I have zero interest in "the news."

I'm mostly ignoring emails.

Those things can wait.

I've bailed from social commitments I simply haven’t the energy for.

Some of my feelings are proving more ... intense

& more ... hmmm... unruly?

& well, unexpected

than I might have ... expected.

*********

Grief surely does come to us all.

In many different forms.

We humans (perhaps we "western" humans??) are not always very good at really feeling our grief - recognizing it, even. We have a tendency to push it down, often, I think. As though we can make it go away. (I don't think it really "goes away." Festers, more likely?)

A not-unrelated insight:

The world around us is in grief … surely?

Over many different things.

Grief on a sub-conscious level, I mean.

Beneath our consciousness - for most people, perhaps.

******

Parenthetically, Naomi Wolf wrote very movingly about grief a while back.

In a very current world affairs context.

Here.

Grief Enough for All

I've written about grief myself, in the past.

Inevitably, being a quotations addict, I collected some quotes (& resources) about it that you'll find gathered up here (in the'Quotation Central' section of my old site).

When You Talk to Someone Who's Grieving?

There's some very sound advice here.

I guess I could mention that I've found some writers along the way who are pretty wise about the messy, complex subject of grief.

One is Stephen Jenkinson, who spent many years around the dying (in the palliative care field), learning profound lessons about what he calls our "grief-illiterate" culture. He's been the subject of a National Film Board (NFB) documentary called 'Griefwalker' & has also written a very insightful book called Die Wise - A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul. If you want to learn more about Jenkinson's work (he's given simply scads of interviews!), check out his Web site.

Another man very wise, insightful & compassionate about grief is Francis Weller. I've read his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow - Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief (there's a long interview with him with that title here.) I see from his site that he does a podcast now. Weller's Web site is here.

This graphic with some wisdom from Weller fell into my lap just now, as I've been ruminating about grief.

As for me?

I'll continue riding the emotional roller coaster!

Letting grief have its sometimes sneaky & unpredictable way with me.

A day, a mood, a moment at a time.